Overthinking (Diary Page 20)

Overthinking (Diary Page 20)


I just couldn't sleep those nights! 

They say overthinking is the art of problems that weren't even there. But for me, this sentence was only half true. When I was in the same situation last time, I did suffer a terrible, inexplicable loss. What was I to do now? The negative thoughts surrounded my mind, and they just refused to leave.

Whatever the reports and the doctors say, they can at best assign a probability to an event but can’t predict or guarantee the outcome. All the statistics indicated a good chance of normal delivery but after all, those were historical numbers. Mine was a unique case, wasn't it?

For the first few days after my pregnancy got confirmed, I stayed constantly worried. I started visualizing various scenarios ranging from not keeping well to even miscarriage. I had read that stress and anxiety are neither good for me nor for the baby. But the vicious cycle of thoughts made me even more anxious.

I would keep trying to feel the baby at all times- Try to get a feel of the baby bump, or the heartbeat. I even checked the heartbeats with a stethoscope now and then, to keep assuring myself. Even the slightest doubt would send me rushing to my gynecologist. I remember calling her 3-4 times a week. Thankfully, she was patient and understood my anxiety.

Unfortunately, there was nothing I could do that would guarantee that I won’t have a miscarriage again. All I had to do was try to stay positive and focus on physical and emotional health during this journey. I recorded Vedic chants, someone said that they ward off evil eyes! Who knows, but I just wanted to be sure this time everything went well. I offered more prayers to bring good health and contentment to my baby. I read a lot of articles on how to stay positive and finally realized that I had to find a way to trick my mind away from the negativity.

“Have you heard of Garbha Sanskar?” Asked my cousin Nidhi. “I know a few friends who attended Garbha Sanskar classes when they were pregnant and it benefited them well. You should explore too”. This guidance came in when it was least expected.

I was still gripped by the fear of the unknown, mixed with my earlier terrible experience. It was building anxiety and made me feel impatient and not in charge of the situation. The idea of Garbha Sanskar gave me a reason to distract myself away from the negativity and focus on something pleasant and promising for the well-being of myself and the baby. I decided to first read more about it. I ordered a book on Garbha Sanskar by Balaji Tambe and started watching Youtube Videos on practicing the same.

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